


A Chest in Plaid

by hp_spawn



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Fluff and Angst, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-05
Updated: 2013-10-05
Packaged: 2017-12-28 12:25:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/991985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hp_spawn/pseuds/hp_spawn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gabriel didn't want all of these burdens and people looking up to him. Guilt from a lifetime ago among other things have pushed him towards one decision.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, it's one of my very first fics, the first one i actually upload even if it isn't finished. I hope it'll motivate me to continue to know other people read it.

He’d been thinking about it for 7 years now, and now that he had a gun in his hand, he wasn't planning on backing out. The solid weight and feel of the cold deathly metal made him feel light himself, everything snapped into a new perspective, but it didn't make one fucking difference.

Too much weight on his shoulders, too much people were expecting of him, everyone wanted something from him. Gabriel had run away, but it could never be far enough to escape from the mistakes he'd made in the past, if anything it’d made it worse. He just couldn’t deal with it anymore, the haunting memories, needing to be some leader, being someone to look up to, he never had wanted it. He was a disappointment, failing everyone, his father, siblings, friends and his brother. This was the best way, the only way to get it all over, get it to end. Stop it, _stop it_. A pull of a trigger and then darkness, nothing, he didn’t believe in heaven, not anymore.

Gabriel was standing on some water-stained rooftop; the air conditionings whirring, acting as white background noise. He loaded a single bullet into the chamber, he only needed one, wondering if he could play some russian roulette till his luck ran out, deciding against it since his own amusement had ultimately been the very cause of this. Why run away if he'd end up killing himself anyway? He didn’t want her finding him, his body, corpse, he couldn’t do it at home so he was merely two towns away from where it'd started. That's how he'd ended up there, on the roof of some cheap motel, whose dubious reputation wouldn't be affcted by one more suicide. His gaze focused on the humidity marks gnawing their way through the ceilings of the rooms below, he took a deep breath of the damp September air, flicked off the safety as the blood pulsed all over his body, thrumming as in anticipation of what was about to happen, loud in his ears…

A hand pressing down on his shoulder had shaken Gabriel, a shot of adrenaline pumped through his veins making him whirl around, eyes widening and exhaling sharply.

His brow furrowed as he stared at a plaid shirted chest, making it so that he had to angle his head upwards at possibly the tallest man he’d ever met. Doing a brief full body scan, searching for whatever reason had caused this gigntic stranger to interrupt him, his eyes flickered to his hand and noticed the cigarette. Just some guy that had come up for a smoke.

“What do you want?” Gabriel snarled at the newcomer, inmediately defensive at whatever the stranger would possibly say about Gabriel's own actions.

“Calm down” said the other man oddly calm himself, “I’m not here for you, just grabbing a smoke” he raised said cigarette to his lips as to prove his point and garabbed the lighter from his back pocket and flicked it on. When it lit the cancer stick, he took a slow deep breath and exhaled, never once breaking eye contact. The abnormaly large male cleared his throat.

“So, you got a name?” He asked carefully, with cautious curiosity in his eyes that flickered nearly imperceptibly to the tightly held gun in Gabriel's hand.

“Course I do” he snapped but didn’t add anything further.

There was a pause in which neither of them said anything, just a battle of wills between eyes, hazel against amber. The silence streched until any other two persons would have shfted uneasily or looked away.

“I’m Sam” the newcomer blurted out with a confused look on his face, as if surprised by having caved in first.

Gabriel fidgeted, unsure on what he should do, because either option would be deemed rude or impolite. Shooting himself after meeting a new person, infront or after he left would be a new level of awkward, that, not taking in account that he, Sam, could bear the emotional burden of Gabriel's death. He let out a deep breath he'd been holding in defeat, because he knew he couldn’t do it with anybody watching, especially those hazel goddamn puppy eyes.

“Gabriel” he grunted, and fixed him with one of his _now leave_ glares.

“Archangel, messenger of God” the other man spouted the fact in automatic which made Gabriel look at him weirdly, especially when the guy, Sam, extended his arm for a handshake.

Gabriel stared at it for a good couple of seconds, as if it had genital herpes and he’d catch them if he shook the hand. But eventually, when he saw that the other man wasn’t going to back down he took hold of it with his loose grip and the other’s tight firm and freakishly large had on his.

It happened way too fast for Gabriel to process it correctly.

He had been reeled in a strong motion and then had his arm twisted around his back, knees knocked from under himself. Pinned with an oversized man on his back besides the dropped still lit cigarette, he struggled as the man above took his other arm and wrestled for the gun Gabriel was unwilling to lose. He screamed when the other man twisted his arm so he’d drop it, and he turned his head to look at his attacker.

Sam had an apologetic expression in his face, mouthing the words _I’m sorry._

Gabriel let go of the gun and it was kicked out of the way, towards the farthest corner of the rooftop. He was pulled to his feet mouth opening and closing still not able to wrap his mind around what just happened and just as he was going to give take a swing at the jerk he found himself wrapped in a tight embrace.

It was what every hug should be, comforting, warm, full, snug, and it filled one with deep feeling of love and security, but it was urgent, like it was trying to breach Gabriel’s barriers and it was damn well on its way. It was overwhelming. It was too much, too much, so he just let go, fell to the floor, without losing consciousness, but locking inside himself.

A minute passed maybe two, long enough for the tall man to have left. His breath hitched when he felt the solidly built arms surround him and hoist him up. He squeezed his eyes tighter as he felt himself bounce lightly with every careful step. Down two flights of stairs, knock on a door, squeak of it opening, and Gabriel found himself being placed gently on a bed, worn springs noticeable against his body.

A quiet shuffling of feet told him that there was another person in the room. Anger coiled inside Gabriel, who in the world chose to pick up someone that had been about to commit suicide and bring him in? Why would someone? Why not just leave him there? Why help him, when he was so sure he was beyond help? Another part of him clung on to the idea of a good soul willing to be there for him, more than what anybody else had done.

Both pairs of footsteps stepped outside and Gabriel snuck a look into the room.

Mostly empty, 2 duffel bags, some books, a laptop… and a shotgun? While a part of him conflicted on it not being safe there, he reasoned with it by reminding himself that he had been about to shoot himself, so what difference did it make if Mr. Charming was a psycho.

The mumbling voices quieted down as the door opened and he quickly shut his eyes, but not before having made a flicker of eye contact with him. The other person turned on the TV and kicked his boots off. A couple of beers were opened and he felt the mattress shift with the sudden weight of another man.

“Hey,” a soft murmur of a voice that had him debating whether to actually open his eyes. “You want a beer?”

Gabriel untucked his head from his chest and asked quietly, “Do you have any soda?”

Sam smiled to himself as he shook his head, “No, sorry, we don’t keep much sugar here, apart from Dean´s skittles.”

A bit disappointed, he rearranged himself under the covers to face the wall. “Thank you” he murmured, not knowing if he was heard and not turning, missing the small tender smile Sam had offered.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's just a very short chapter, the next one's longer.

He grimaced at the light that filtered through the window. He propped himself up on his left elbow and saw one man sleeping on the other bed and Sam, sleeping on the worn and stained couch, overgrown legs dangling over an armrest. Gabriel felt incredibly guilty; he was being a burden, again. How did he fall so far as to care for disappointing complete strangers; to be sleeping in their hotel rooms? Who does that? He thought in disgust.

Gabriel got up as quietly as possible, mattress springs protesting with the shift of pressure. He winced at every squeak, but seeing that the men hadn’t woke up, put on his shoes that had apparently been taken off whilst he slept. As he turned the doorknob, he remembered the gun Sam had taken from him, he considered searching the room for it, but decided against it, he didn’t want to risk having them wake up, because he had built solid enough walls during the night to not break down if confronted.

He slipped out of the motel room and walked aimlessly down the street. A candy/bakery store stood a block away and he headed for it, drawn by hunger and by his bitter void that he hoped could be lessened by something sweet.


	3. Chapter 3

Sam woke up slowly, he was aware he was awake, yet he couldn’t bring himself to open his eyes, his mind worked and his body was aware of the pain in his back, product of having slept on a too small couch, with a too large body. Mind immediately made a connection to the reason why he had to sleep there.

Gabriel.

The short man on the rooftop that had been holding a gun to his head. He didn’t have any idea why he had been about to do what he’d been about to do.

His eyesight was still blurred with sleep. He sat up, rubbed his eyes, stretched and popped nearly every vertebra in his back, twisting both ways. As he returned to his original position, his bed, Gabriel’s entered his view. It was empty.

Sam panicked thinking about all the possible scenarios of what the smaller man could be doing. As fast as he could he searched the duffel under Dean’s bed. Relief flooded him instantly, but rapidly followed by the same anxiousness. He hadn’t taken the gun but that wasn’t the only way to take one’s life. He scribbled a note on the motel notepad and left it on Dean’s forehead.

Out on the street Sam glanced both ways trying to figure out what way Gabriel could have gone. He finally opted to go towards the diner a few buildings away.

Nobody had seen a man fitting the description of Gabriel, Sam ran his hands through his hair and hastily gave thanks to the waitress. Stepping outside of the diner, he took several deep breaths and tried to not let panic take over. What was it that made him so concerned over the wellbeing of this man?

Lifting his head from where he had it buried almost painfully in his hands he stopped, a candy store was just across the street. Drawn by it he made his way over there barely glancing both ways and distractedly apologized to the driver who had to stop to not run him over, not once taking his eyes off the door, a tight feeling clutching his chest burying nails deep within him as he pushed the door open that rang an annoying bell.

On the far side of the room, Gabriel was completely absorbed in the sandwich he was eating, undisturbed by the bell. Sam’s head felt incredibly light, chest rising and the sudden rush of the lifted weight made him dizzy and weak in the knees. He stumbled for some steps as he made his way to where the other man was sitting, gaining some of the lost composure.

The sound of the chair as it scrapped the chair finally was enough to make Gabriel lift his gaze and stare at Sam. So many emotions crossed through his eyes as he froze. Sam couldn’t place more than a few. He made an attempt to get up and leave but Sam’s pleading gaze held him in place.

“What does that taste like?” he half smiled, nodding towards Gabriel’s sandwich of what appeared to be chocolate filling.

“Love” Gabriel replied simply, not able to look at Sam in the eyes, “Want some?” he mumbled as he offered some of his breakfast, extending his arm across the table.

Sam eyed the offering and carefully tore off a piece, eyed it warily before popping it into his mouth, out of the corner of his eye he could spot Gabriel watching him intently a faint smile on the corner of is lip.

A lustful moan managed to escape him before he could stop it. Gabriel’s smile grew into a full smirk he tried to subdue immediately.

“Oh god…” he groaned, “this…” stopping to swallow before he continued, “God, I wish I had a tub full of this.”

 _I wish I had a tub full of love_ , Gabriel thought to himself bitterly. He glared at the floor.

This was noticed by the taller man who cocked his head and turned his tone light. “Gabe, why did you leave?”

Looking up into his eyes was one of the worst decisions he ever made, Gabriel decided.

“Why not?” he spat out angrily, not sure what or who he was angry about besides himself.

The puppy look had grown hurt and in a meek voice Sam suggested. “You could have stayed.”

“Why?” hushed tone preventing drawing the attention of the shop owner. “Why would you possibly want to help me? Why can’t you just leave me the fuck alone? Why couldn’t you just let me die?” voice cracking at the last words, eyes glistening red and hot.

A shiver ran through Sam’s heart and chest, gulping down the knot in his throat, ignoring the knots on his back, Sam admitted, “I don’t know.”

Gabriel got up, nearly knocking the chair and table down and stomped out the door. Sam extended his hand to try to get a hold of his just brushing fingers. God, help me thought Sam, all of his face and body felt hot, he needed to get outside, stop the other man.

He caught a glimpse of Gabriel as he rushed to an alley between buildings. Indecision tore him from the inside, not knowing whether to follow or to let him be and return to the motel, because, what if he was right? What right did he have to intrude in this strangers’ life?


	4. Chapter 4

Gabriel had run into the bakery and sweets shop, leaning against the door as if he was being followed. He inhaled and the sweet smell had his feet moving on their own accord, following orders from his nose and stomach, rather than his brain. At the counter his eyes widened, soaking in all the delicious things in display, the saliva production went top speed and he had to swallow several times. He dug his hands into his pockets searching for money, there was a dollar in his ancient wallet and he searched his socks for his emergency cash, he only found a crumpled pocket. _Fuck,_ he cursed to himself, _you can never help yourself can you, you always have to let yourself down_ , but he knew he wasn’t being fair to himself, most likely his emergency cash had been used in similar circumstances, sweets.

The menu in a chalk board overhead showed few items priced less than 2 dollars. He settled for the Nutella triple top sandwich and handed the money over to the cashier, who wrinkled her nose in disgust, knowing the origin of the second dollar. He got his sandwich and sat at one of the 3 legged wooden tables. The bell chimed as he took a bite out of him. A feeling that wasn’t quite happiness filled him as creamy chocolate filling surrounded his mouth and absorbed his brain. This was interrupted by a chair scraping in front of him. He turned his gaze up from his breakfast and came to a sudden stop. A chest in plaid, he didn’t dare to look further up.

Sam

He couldn’t get his mind around the why this man kept finding him, why he didn’t just give up like the others, he was a stranger, what could he want form him, why was he offering him any kindness.

He forced himself to look up and was his attention was captured by pleading eyes. He tried to leave but couldn’t, the most he could do was take an angry bite out of his sandwich and chew with determination not to be caught by the other man’s gaze again.

He allowed himself to spy Sam from beneath the uncombed hair, his bangs shielding Gabriel eyes, allowing him to observe the fidgeting man that was opening and closing his mouth uncertain of whether to speak up or not.

“What does that taste like?” A feeble attempt at small talk made Gabriel laugh bitterly in his mind.

With a painful swallow due to the knot in his throat, Gabriel responded “Love”

The taller man looked dumbfoundd and stared uncertainly at the sandwich Gabriel had rapidly shoved towards him and Gabe immediately regretted saying “Want some?”

 _Stupid, stupid, stupid, now he’ll think you offered him love_. Still he couldn’t keep his curiosity in check as Sam took a mouthful of sandwich and glee filled his body when a might-as-well-be-porno moan escaped the chewing man that had closed his eyes for maximum delight, if it were under different circumstances he wouldn’t get away from Gabriel’s relentless teasing and flirting, but now he turned his face into a scowl that erased every trace of a smirk from his face.

Then what he’d been expecting since the man sat across him came.

“Gabe, why did you leave?”

Why indeed. Why would he abandon a complete stranger that had carried him to his motel room after his suicide attempt? The same man that offered him his bed and a beer and kept a shotgun on the table among other various items kept in a duffel bag. So maybe he didn’t have a good reason, or a half good one. But why should the other man care about his reasons? He risked a look at Sam and the puppy eyes that he was making at him unleashed his rage.

“Why not?” The words as cold, hollow, hurt and angry as he could make them, hoping to drive the other man away before the stinging in his eyes leaked.

“You could have stayed” At Sam’s quiet words, obviously deeply affected by Gabriel’s, something in him broke, making him feel like he had a slushy brain freeze in his chest.

He couldn’t stop the hateful response that came out from him, lashing out, hostile word, one after the other, not letting the other man answer. _No. Stop. Why are you doing this to him? He’s only trying to help, he could help, let him help._ But those words were shut out, Gabriel didn’t have control over himself, driven by blind rage and self-loathing over himself. He left the other man alone, knocking over his chair as the streams of tears finally overflowed his eyes making hot trails run down his cheeks.

Sam’s hand brushed his and the electric sensation had Gabriel choking on a sob.

Out of the bakery he ran out into the street, heading for a dark alley nearby.

The alley was cold and humid, with the stench of mold, gasoline and the huge dumpsters from several shops and diners. Gabriel lost all content from his stomach on the alley floor, hurtling the half sandwich he managed to eat and cursing as the tears scurried everywhere. He retched at the flavor and tried to pit as much as he could to get rid of the bitter and acrid taste. He took a few stems deeper into the alley and sat down on the ground. He wiped his face with the edge of his shirt, feeling particularly aggravated, by the unceasing flow of tears rubbing angrily at the ones that kept coming out, making his attempts to clean his face useless. Using the knee of his jeans he cleaned most of the vomit residues from his mouth.

Gabriel ached all over, his throat rasped from the tight knot and having thrown out his breakfast, his eyes burned from the tears, stomach as empty as it had started clawed at his insides. Mostly, his chest still felt the void from when he’s said all of those things to Sam, the wounded look on his face had torn what little was left unbroken in him.

So he cried. He cried dryly as his tears had run out, moaning to himself, to nobody, to the world as he hugged his knees and held them tightly across his chest, rocking himself on the balls of his feet attempting some comfort. _I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry_.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another very short chapter *grins awkwardly*

The indecision tore at Sam to follow after the small man again or just respect Gabriel’s wishes and leave him alone. He stared at the sidewalk inspecting the cracks like they could provide him with the right answer. But the broken sidewalk just stared back at him.

He should leave Gabriel alone. But that wasn’t Sam. He couldn’t leave someone so hurt alone.

He walked towards the alley, hands shoved deeply into his pockets trying to get some courage and get over the anguish Gabriel´s questions had left him.

Nearing the gap between buildings he stopped a few feet away and listened to Gabriel’s sounds. The rapid and hushed tones as the apologies were spoken made Sam’s chest sink. I’m sorry’s grew quieter and trailed off. The sniffling slowed down until Sam couldn’t hear anything.

Panic seized him as he imagined all the possible scenarios. Blood, staining the dampen floor and No. He couldn’t think like that he said as he ran around the corner, barely avoiding colliding with the Dumpster. Don’t do anything stupid, please don’t have done anything stupid. Gabriel please.

He saw the small man hunched up against the wall, movements soft and slow, mouth slightly oven, resting against his own shoulder in a way that it was a sure thing to develop a crick when he woke up. Sam searched him all over expecting to find a razor blade, a needle, blood, something broken or wrong.

He was simply asleep. More than that, he was exhausted and most likely had passed out from the emotional distress of their earlier confrontation.

Sam kneeled next to the unconscious man, carefully avoiding the puddle of vomit whose stench still filled the air surrounding it, and with gentle hands moved a few strands of golden stray hair from his forehead and decidedly snuck an arm under his armpits and another under the knees to take him back to the motel room.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapters strike again. I know, not funny.

At the motel door he knocked gently with the tip of his sneakers, hoping his brother wouldn’t be in a loud and brash mood. As soon as the door opened he set a pleading look on his face that begged Dean to be quiet and let him explain. Dean glared, annoyed at the fact his brother had left without any other warning besides the note on his face and no notice of where he’d be, but kept quiet, murmuring something of waiting for him outside.

With a grateful look, Sam went for the second time through that door with the same unconscious man in his arms. Gingerly laying him down on his mattress, with great care he took off the comatose man’s boots off and took a dampened hand towel to brush away the crusty stuff surrounding his lips. In an unpredicted impulse he’d leaned down to clear the plastered locks on the unaware face, brushing them back and planting a soft lip on the clear forehead. Shaken by his very actions, taller stood up suddenly and stared at the male beneath him, the steady rise and fall of his chest captivating him until he was snapped out of his trance when the urge to blink was too much, leaving the room to talk one again outside the room with his brother.


	7. Chapter 7

Gabriel had fallen asleep from exhaustion.

Immobile. Weightless. He drifted off into his own mind and was dragged without any ability to fight the force that pulled him to dark corners and things he’d avoided dwelling because of the pain that was sparked by the mere memories of it.

_(at an arcade)_

_Gabriel is playing Tron on a machine while Castiel watches_

_Lucifer: Gabriel. Gabriel we need to go. Come on Castiel, you too._

_Gabriel: Just leave me alone, I know how to get back._

_Michael: It’s time to go home brother. You don’t want to be left here to walk 20 miles back home._

_Gabriel: What do you fucking care? Leave me here, I can manage for myself._

_(Michael glares and turns toward the smaller boy tugging at his coat)_

_Michael: Let’s go Castiel, Gabriel will find his own way home._

_(Castiel shakes himself free)_

_Castiel: I want to stay with him._

_(Grabbing firmly Castiel by the shoulder making the boy wince in pain)_

_Michael: You are a child; you don’t know what you want. You can’t be left with him._

_(Stepping away from the game and shielding Castiel with his small frame)_

_Gabriel: Hey, leave the kid alone, I’ll look after him. Stop trying to control everyone in this pathetic excuse for a family and mind your own business._

_Lucifer: Leave them brother._

_Michael and Lucifer leave the arcade and Gabriel hands 7 year old Castiel some quarters._

_Gabriel: Here you go kiddo, enjoy yourself for once._

_Half an hour passes before someone taps Gabriel’s shoulder announcing its closing time._

_Gabriel: Yeah, yeah, just lemme get my brother._

_He turns around, searching and craning his neck._

_Gabriel: Castiel! Cassie, time to go!_

_Frowning Gabriel runs through the arcade peeking over and under the machines._

_Gabriel: (to the employee) Have you seen my kid brother? Bout’ this high, rumpled hair? Had a blue sweater matching his eyes?_

_Employee: No, sorry. You might want to ask security._

_Gabriel ran out of the arcade and searched for the security guard booth, asking them about Castiel but the guards didn’t know anything about a missing kid. The scanned the security tapes and saw a man taking Castiel out of the mall several minutes before Gabriel had noticed his disappearance._

_Gabriel: Report him missing. His name’s Castiel Novak, he’s 7, black hair, blue eyes, pale._

_After giving the essential information, he ran out of the shopping mall running all around the parking lot looking for, hoping to be able to see his brother. Tears were streaming down his face by that time. Shouting, yelling and ultimately screaming for his brother._

_Gabriel: CAS! CASTIEL, CASTIEL PLEASE!_ _WHERE ARE YOU? COME ON KIDDO! CAS! ..._

_He kept going until he was hoarse and then ran to the nearest police station asking for him with a wrecked voice. Nobody had reported or turned Castiel. He knew the first 24 hours of a kidnapping case were critical. They made Gabriel fill out some paperwork, told him to calm down, and then the asked for his parent’s phone number._

_Gabriel: They’re dead. We, we live with our brothers._

_Police Chief: We need you to give us their number. Have they been made aware of the situation?_

_Gabriel: No. I haven´t, I can’t, I can’t tell them about it. Michael is going to kill me. Oh God, oh, Cas, what have I done, Cas, Castiel…_

_Police Chief: Calm down sir. We need you to give us their number and we’ll give them a full report once they get into the station._

_Gabriel just nodded dumbly and handed over his cellphone muttering Michael’s and Lucifer’s names. He excused himself and ran out the police station doors. He kept running and got on several buses until he wasn’t aware of what state he was in. For the next seven years he had worked odd jobs and kept looking in every police station he passed for his kid brother. He had already been to every city in every state in the west coast and most of the south. But he never did find him._

_Yesterday would have been his brother’s 14 th birthday. Double the age he’d had since that day. And Gabriel had simply lost hope._


End file.
